My cup runneth over...

You (all two of you that still read this blog) might have noticed that almost all the pictures of Isaac over the past months find him in these pajamas.  He loves them and refers to them as his "new Christmas snowman jammies".  He gleefully searches through the clean clothes and puts them on anytime he can find them, no matter what time of day it is.  And you know what, I just let him.  I painstakingly picked out and coordinated all of Luke's outfits and it worked-- filled my bucket to have a darling little boy in cute clothes and he didn't care what he wore.  Isaac has serious opinions and he loves his pj's and we don't get out of the house nearly as much these days.  So it's just fine if he wears these pajamas all. the. time.  Also, this little photo caption is way too long. 

I just got done putting this one down to bed about an hour earlier than he usually goes down.  He was having one of those nights where nothing was right.  He was mad because his hair dried wrong after the bath, he was sad because there was water in his ear (a q-tip was suggested as the solution and that was wrong too), he was mad about the pajama situation-- his Christmas jammies had chocolate frozen custard on them from yesterday.  I was tired and mad because we didn't get nearly as much done today as I had envisioned.  I resolved to get him to bed early and while he initially resisted, he eventually melted into my  arms for books, prayers and a whispered conversation about all the backyard adventures that awaited him once the snow melted.  I sat there rocking him in the chair and remembered his infancy and toddler hood.  I contemplated the little man I held in my arms as he drifted off to sleep.  I thought my heart would burst with the love I felt for him, my third angel.  He is so independent and dependent at the same time.  I am his world.  How I feel about him and act toward him matter so much though he tries not to show it.  What an awesome responsibility.  He is tender and needy while being self assured in so many ways.  I feel grateful, so deeply grateful to be his mom and to understand him in the way that I do.  It is gratifying in a way that no other job could be.  It's also really hard.  

My relationship with Isaac is, in many ways, a reflection of my life as a mother.  I really wanted him to be a girl.  I already had two perfect little boys.  I wanted a little girl because my mom and sisters are my life, my very best friends.  Little boys grow up and leave you whereas your girls stay yours forever-- I talk to my mom and sisters every day.  A little girl frequented my early pregnancy dreams, the same baby girl that has been in my dreams for years.  My vision of family life was very feminine.  

At his twenty week ultrasound we saw his boys parts and our (really just mine-  Nat's much better at understanding and accepting things he doesn't control) plans changed.  I had to adjust my expectations and vision about the family that I would mother.  As I cried and prayed to understand I had one of the most specific spiritual experiences as I came to understand that God knew exactly who I needed to mother.  His name came to me and I knew that my Isaac, like Isaac of old, came as a sign of God's love for me.  I was able to gain insights into who this little person I was carrying was and by the time he was born I felt like I already knew him.  He wasn't what I wanted (gender speaking) but he was exactly who I needed.  I let go, just a little bit, of the need to control.  Happiness followed acceptance and he has been a joy and just what our family needed.  I adore him.

Each of these boys is their own little package of blessings and challenges and the sum of it all is so sweet and perfect.  

I needed to learn that God's plan for my life is always better than anything I can come up with.  It seems to be the lesson that I need to learn again and again.  Like, for example, when baby #4 is another boy.  Sitting there rocking my little Isaac into dreamland tonight I felt, as the psalmist described, that my cup runneth over.  These boys in my life are just who I need.  The blessings that the Lord has sent me have filled me so completely.  I am full of thanksgiving that God loves me and knows me intimately enough to send me what I need instead of what I ask for.  

  

Dayenu, it is enough.