Sunday Night Musings

Warning: this is a terribly sentimental post from an introspective mother, written mostly for my benefit.

A little over five years ago I became a mother to this little man. He loves to hear the story of when he was born and stories of his infancy. I laid in bed next to him tonight and told him, again, about the moment when he was laid on my chest and I reached down for his hand, looked in his eyes and greeted him. A slow smile spread across his face as I told him about how, as an infant, he never left my side. We did everything together; he slept curled up next to me and spent the rest of his time in a sling on my chest. Nat and I used to argue about who got to hold him and who got to get him up when he woke from napping (on the rare occasion that I wasn't napping next to him). Our world revolved around him. I have wondered at times if I did him a disservice and sometimes wish that I had encouraged a little more independence earlier on. But then I look back at the lessons that this type of relationship and this level of connection taught me about myself, about children, being a mother and being a family and I know that it was exactly how our family had to start. For him, my first born, independence followed this period of interdependence. Tonight as he drifted off to sleep listening to these stories of his beginnings I thought about the importance of connection and was reminded that what that connection looks like varies from relationship to relationship. Luke was (and continues to be) the most intense of the three and he needed that solo time.

The relationship is different with Noah, as is my relationship with Isaac. They both slept, from early on, in their own rooms in the crib. I, however, feel just as connected to them. It's just different. I am learning that different is just different not better or worse.

It is fascinating to see the way these things unfold and the way it falls into place within our family. Luke paved the way for his brothers and taught me the lessons that I needed to parent them. My responsiveness to him and attention to his needs honed my maternal instincts. I can tell when Isaac just needs to settle himself down and when he needs a little comforting. I know when Noah needs distraction instead of a lecture about the rules.

I think that is why number three is my favorite. My confidence in caring for Isaac is boosted by the experiences gained with his brothers. I've come into my own as a mother and can now just enjoy it. Perspective will do that to you.

I am grateful, so grateful to be learning these lessons. I can see that, in another five years, if I keep working at it I will be closer to the mother I am striving to be. What a beautiful plan this is and what delightful little tutors I have.